Thank you more please: Raw Chocolate & Seed Squares

It's been two months since I wrote about homesickness and homecomings. Two long, engaging, challenging, sea-filled, magical months. Reading back over my last post, it seems like I had the realization I had been searching after for years and then all that was left to do was let everything fall into place and more importantly, trust that the sediment of the last ten years of my life would settle and the world around me would be clear and I would be able to see myself, my life, my situation and my present for what they really were.

If Vietnam taught me anything, it was to be thankful. Not simply thankful for a first world quality of life but for the magic that everyday normality can bring. For years, little sis has been trying to get me to watch this film with Domhnall Gleeson called "About Time". I hate romcoms so refused, until two months ago. It's about a guy who has the power to travel back in time and fix up messes he's made or simply relive an exceptional moment. As he gets older though, he stops repeating his days, trying to milk out the last bit of fun and instead wakes up everyday and appreciates everything as if it's his second time to live out the day and he is fully aware of everything, person and moment that is fantastic in its own simple way. His film made me realize that little acts of kindness are magical gifts to others but also to yourself. It also reminded me that instead of getting caught up in the activities of an entire week and stressing, referring to google calendar for every inconceivable notification, it is so much more important and healthy to start everyday the same. For the last month, I've woken up with a short but clear idea. Today is a new day, it's a magical day and you get to live it. Each day that I practice it, I feel freer, relaxed, alive and content all at the same time. Shoveling shit on the farm for hours on end can be a pain sometimes but then I stop, look around and say to myself, "I get to do this. I'm surrounded by funny, loving, kind people who are doing the same thing. I'm healthy. I'm free to stop or continue to work at this. I'm outside breathing fresh air beside the sea". It's then that I feel so incredibly lucky and I wonder why I didn't try this approach sooner.

I think of months on end, years even, of feeling down, confused, irritable and stressed. It's then I realize how change can impact so greatly on our lives if we just let it. I spent so many years resisting change, trying to control the situation, fixing relationships, exhausting my emotions, focusing on what was wrong and wanting to make everything right. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's how important change is for growth, development and freedom. Letting the small stuff just go has meant I can concentrate on what's really important to me. Letting other people's expectations go, no longer trying to prove myself to anyone be it about career, relationships, values and or living situations, has been riveting. And I'm happier. How did that happen?


I think it's because I started to listen to my heart and stopped thinking that volunteering on a farm, surfing, swimming, cooking food for neighbors and friends and working in a cafe to pay rent were all valued parts of my life that I needed to explain to others. The moment I stopped explaining and just got on with it, the more I made time for listening to friends, laughing, playing cards, shoveling shit on the farm and chilling out, the more my life has started to resemble what I've always wanted. Community, friendships, love, food, the land and the sea. That's it. Simple.

These last two months have involved finding a new place to live, getting a job, meeting new people, making friends and getting to know neighbors and community members, business owners and passersby. It was a challenge but like non other. Fifteen years ago, I came to this little town and walked to beach in the Irish sun with my wetsuit rolled halfway down to my waist. I walked along the beach with short hair and a wiry attitude but nonetheless, told my parents then and there, "when I'm older, I'm moving to Clare". In that space of time I've gone to college, had a million different jobs, traveled and had my heart broken but I wouldn't change it because now that I'm finally here, home, in my base, I know I didn't hold back or miss out on anything. All those broken pieces fitted back together. They rearranged themselves into a different form, like a beautiful but complex mosaic and now I can take a step back and look at my life and remember the pointed edges with a sense of pride because they all led me to this point and I'm so happy it did.


Last night, walking home from the beach with my great friend and new neighbor, we tried to recall what we did this week but the number of activities were so great, varied and fun, we couldn't organize them properly. There was a pesto making class, two swims in the sea after work, time on the farm, new jobs, card games, beer pong, laughing out loud and one of the most epic barbecues I've been to in a long time. We got to help out neighbor set up a surprise birthday party for her boyfriend with lights, fire pits and mountains of food. There was a point that night where I walked out to our courtyard. The fairy lights when sending out a warm hued glow, the fire pit had reached an epitome of warming glow, everyone was sitting around the embers in a circle, snuggled beside each other and there was music being played and all I could think of was "I get to do this, this is my community that I get to share with these people" and at that point, I knew that unexpected change had led me to this and I was never so thankful.

These raw chocolate and seed squares are packed with so many delicious ingredients and are the best treats I've made in a long while to share. I made them to be neighborly and they didn't last more than a day once I had them made but if you're very good, you could keep them in the freezer for up to three months. Good luck with that!

Ingredients:

1 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
pinch sea salt
1 cup puffed rice (brown rice version is the best-healthy and nutty flavor)
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1 cup solid coconut oil
1/2 cup honey
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 inch fresh ginger, grated to a paste
4 tablespoons raw cacao powder

Method:

Place pumpkin and sunflower seeds with salt onto a dry frying pan on a medium heat and toast gently for 10 minutes (give or take) until seeds are lightly toasted and pumpkin seeds have started to pop. Add cinnamon and nutmeg and put aside to cool slightly.

Put coconut oil, honey, vanilla and ginger into a glass or metal bowl over a pot of hot water (like a double boiler) and stir gently until to oil has melted. Once melted, remove from heat and whisk together to combine properly. Add cacao powder to liquid mix one tablespoon at a time, whisking to combine. Stir the coconut honey mix through the seed and puffed rice and mix well to coat evenly. Line a rectangular deep tray with greaseproof paper. Pour mix in and flatten down well with the back of a spoon and give the mix a little shake to make sure all the chocolate mix settles well at the bottom. Place in the fridge for 1 hour, pop out onto a board, chop into squares and store in a sealed container in the fridge for a week or freezer for a month. Or just eat them all in one go. Most importantly, share, share, share.

Enjoy!

Change & Sunsets on a plate: Roasted Squash & Parsnip with Rice & Lentil mix

Change. It's all around. The only constant. Why then haven't we learnt to understand a way to live with it, to thrive with its presence, to figure it out?

It's been three weeks, almost four since I wrote about being held up in my little abode, munching on chocolate cookies and trying to keep the cold away. Such a lot has changed in three weeks. I think about the future constantly when I worry and what I'll do, if I'm closer to my goals of travelling, writing, photographing, farming, surfing, crafting. I wonder if I'll ever get there and then I stop. I stop and realize that the change I long for also entails a change that speeds past as I over-think. It's almost the end of March. December will arrive again and my plans for winter sun escapes and new experiences will be before me in no time. I'm detached from time but I'm also obsessed with it. It's like a wicked spell. The more I want it to hurry up so I can be on a farm by the sea, the faster time passes and I fall into a trap of losing precious time that runs concurrently to my fast paced thoughts.

I've given change a lot of the thought recently and my relationship to it. Last summer, someone asked me a simple but mind-opening question: "What it be like if you treated yourself with the love and care you would give to a child who'd had a difficult time?". I thought about what I would do. I'd bring the kid for walks in the park, on the beach, through fields and forests. I'd cook her whatever she wanted while at the same time making delicious, colourful, seasonal food. I'd dish up her dishes like she was at a restaurant so that she would feel as though she were special. I'd make her mornings stress free. I'd create a warm home, a sanctuary of a room where she could think through her thoughts calmly, creatively, with freedom. I'd listen to everything she had to say; her worries, dreams, current concerns. I'd bring her to the movies, invite her friends over, create fun drawings and sketches, take photos, plant vegetables, dig soil, collect feathers, knit, sing and make her hot chocolate when it was cold.

I'd still make sure to pay the bills, earn some money to take care of both of us, put out the bins every second week, remember her appointments but the priority would be to help her feel happy, relaxed and creative in the now and to learn that change happens everyday but that was nothing to fear, that was all part of the natural cycle of things, like seasons, tides and cycles of the moon.

It's strange how city life can take over, blanket the carefree, simple wants of a creative soul. When I first arrived here, I thought it would be temporary. Get a job, save and then head off, moving from one warm farm by the sea to another. Then I stayed, spent my money, got caught up, got impatient, prioritized the little stuff of bills and treats. I started to forget about what adults call the little things but actually they are the most important. Connection with nature, free time, creativity, love, friendship.

Some mornings I wake up and stare out my new back garden in wonderment and awe at its beauty and all the plans I have to give it my time and love and energy. Then I come home after work and the spirit is gone. Other mornings I think I could happily stay here for years, grow into the house, maybe meet someone to share this little place with. Then I start making lists and sketches of places I want to travel to in flip flops and sunburnt shoulders next February. It's a battle with change and I'm starting to learn, a futile one.

A friend told me this morning that she'd seen my ex, spoken with him, that he looked the same as always, tall and strong, happy, healthy, that it was good to see him. It's been a year and a half since we broke up and five months since we last saw each other and spoke and yet I wanted to puke as I tried to smile and asked "Wow. How is he?". I would struggle to utter his name. Some change is easier than others. I'm not in love with him anymore and haven't been for a long time and yet the fear of bumping into him, of hearing his voice, of knowing anything about him, hurts. The heart doesn't forget, it seems.

Last weekend, a great friend told me that while she had lived in South Korea for eight months, she read my blog and was impressed with the honesty. She said we all go through the things I write about but that somehow me being honest and writing about what I'm going through makes her feel less worried about herself, feel less alone. Sometimes I write a blog post like this one and freak out. I worry how other people will think of me, what they'll say, how they'll react, how they'll judge me and how I write about what's going on and that the food, the photography sometimes comes secondary, even though it all links together.

Then I stop and think about that little girl that needs some help and not some judgement. I've had a rough few years but this morning I laughed my ass off as I read a text from a great friend. I sat in my cozy sitting room and ate warming porridge as I looked out my window and admired the progress of a full day spent in the garden yesterday. I shared a joke about companion planting with another great friend. We talked about planting out early. It felt like the most important thing to talk about all day and I was so happy that it was focused around growing. I cracked jokes with students in school and the sun was still up nearly two hours after finishing work. These are all expansive changes from last year. I'm proud of the changes I've made. I'm proud of how I've moved closer to myself. That's change too.

The idea now is to trust in change, accept that it exists and stay present no matter what that might involve. Looking back on my instagram account, I noticed how prevalent oranges and reds were, as though I needed those colors in my food and line of vision to keep me warm through winter.

These recipes celebrate how vibrant orange foods kept me warm, brought color into my kitchen and a smile to my face, like a sunset on a plate. Squash and parsnip are the neglected winter veggies often enough. They seem arduous to prepare and complicated to cook but when handled with care and a few tricks, they glow from a plate and warm your belly full of winter goodness. Celebrating the last of winter with this recipe feels right. Like I'm celebrating the now and embracing what it has to offer.

I hope my writing helps you, makes you think/laugh/sigh/any other emotion you want to feel. I hope the recipe helps you to reconnect with the season before it goes away and prepare for Spring this weekend. Thanks for reading.

Butternut Squash 
Ingredients:                                                        
I large butternut squash                                 
1 handful of fresh thyme                                 
2 Tbs Coconut oil melted                           
Salt and pepper to season                    
                                                           
                                                             
Parsnip  
Ingredients: 
4-6 Large parsnips       
2 tsp cumin seeds    
1 tsp coriander seeds
2 Tbs Coconut oil melted        
1 Tbs honey
salt and pepper to taste

Rice & Lentils 
Ingredients:
1 cup mixed red, black & white rice
1 cup puy lentils 
4 cups cold water

METHOD:
Preheat oven to 190 C. Slice squash into inch thick circular slices, leaving the seeds intact. Place on a baking sheet. Drizzle with oil, thyme, salt and pepper and place in oven and cook for 50-60 minutes, turning over half way. Peel parsnips and cut length ways into thick strips (like potato wedges). Place on a baking sheet and drizzle with oil, toss in cumin seeds, coriander seeds and salt and pepper. Leave the honey aside for the last five minutes. Cook for 40-50 minutes. At the last five minutes, when the parsnips are cooked through (skewer with a knife), toss the honey through and place back in for a final blast of heat.

For the rice and lentils, measure out the rice and puy and place into pot. Add cold water, place a lid on the pot and bring to the boil, then turn low and simmer for 40 minutes or until all the water has been evaporated. 

I served all these together with a quick dressing of 2 tbs olive oil and juice of half a lemon mixed through the rice. Bliss. Hope you enjoyed the writing and you make the most of the last few days of winter.